| Cushioned between television
commercials for facial rejuvenation and those that portray the
successful dieter, is a new ad. Unlike the aforementioned
messages that have us fantasizing about how we can regain our
youth or lose our bulk, it brings us back to reality with a thud.
It suggests that now is the time to plan for what neither weight
loss or plastic surgery can ultimately prevent...death.
A husband and wife are depicted. We learn that they, in
cooperation with a particular funeral home, have made known their
wishes at time of death. Mission accomplished, the relieved couple
comments that now their children will not be faced with making
these decisions for them. As I watched the final moments of this
commercial, I wondered... had this couple also shared with their
children some of the information about their financial status?
Money, like death and sex, is a difficult
subject for adult children to approach with parents. The
response of parents to this subject can be varied. For people
of means, protecting their assets is something that is as commonplace
as reading the daily paper. They would be remiss if they
did not attend to these responsibilities. For a larger percent
of the population, having to reveal assets may be downright threatening.
Mention of the topic may be met by the questions...."Why do you
want to know? It's not your concern and you're not going to take
over our lives." Riding piggy back on this reaction may
be the parents' feeling that their children are just being greedy
or trying to take advantage of them. Or perhaps |
Mom and Dad may agree that it is an
important issue. They agree to see an attorney, listen to
all that is said, return home, and refuse to take any action.
Maintaining independence remains paramount. Sometimes it's
plain stubbornness that allows control to be maintained.
Between siblings, one also takes note of the unparalleled power
money can have. Old rivalries may shine anew as the topic
of Mom and Dad's money is brought up. "He always had his hand
in dad's pocket" a sister may say. "Now he's one-up on me again."
"She always was Dad's favorite, what will Dad give his little
girl now?"
How can the above scenarios be prevented?
Initially, let me state that they may never occur. If this is
the case, count your blessings and all go out to the ballgame.
But for the rest of us, there are some helpful approaches.
For parents who feel that, like sex, one does not discuss finances
with the children, have a notebook where your details of your
assets are kept. The sole information that has to be shared
with adult children is the existence and the whereabouts of this
little black book. For adult children, it may be wise to
point out to parents that unless some planning is done, the only
people who will benefit is Uncle Sam and the attorneys.
At this juncture you may reveal some facts about your own finances.
This may encourage parents to open up about theirs. Beyond
this, look to develop a working alliance with parents. Suggest
rather than criticize. Instead of doing all for Mom and Dad, guide
them in the proper direction. |
Unless otherwise requested, let parents
meet alone with the attorney, financial planner or a bank official.
It is only the young that have no difficulty
talking money. May you have divine protection if you are
a day late with their allowance! For the rest of us, we
need to acknowledge that it can be an uncomfortable process to
approach our parents about this topic. And for parents,
it is equally painful to talk to children about these issues.
But what we all must recognize is that a little knowledge can
go a long way in providing parents and adult children with peace
of mind. It is such an outcome that makes this family encounter
a necessary one. |
